Thought of multiple ways to start this journal here today. Took me nearly two hours, deletion of multiple files on my mac which was no longer serving me in any way, to finally decide on start typing here.
Actually, took me weeks. Finally giving in today to just sit down and start typing. I knew I had to document the journey I’d been on someday and somewhere. So, under the listed fancy categories of mine I decided to create a new one with even fancier term “Spirituality”. Judge me all you want but I always knew that I belonged here. Though it took me years to connect to my roots.
Here, I am finally accepting the truth that life cannot be forced onto any one. However, ugly it may sound I have to accept the fact that I did. Not only to myself but also to my surroundings. I consider myself eloquent, you can only imagine how I must have sabotaged myself and everyone around me with my words.
2018 was acknowledging the fact that I had hit rock bottom, yet I tried holding onto last remaining thread so tight that it had its lasting effect on the whole of 2019. During the time of healing and coming out of all the pain, I still managed to break hearts here and there. Then, came the long awaited self reflection that I had only talked about in all these years even without knowing it in the deeper level.
Here comes the moment of truth, you don’t really get to experience self realisation as soon as you start reflecting. The phase is very similar to that of overcoming hidden sadness. Not knowing you were even hurt in the first place, yet you keep moving forward in the hope that things would go back to being normal again. Who am I kidding, right?
The year 2019 had passed, in the beginning of 2020 I decided to do things differently. Why? The common tendency is to believe the fact that “change yourself and the surroundings will change”. I tried, if you are curious. 🙂
You see, the real problem wasn’t the situation or the surroundings but the way I had built my dream castle. I dreamt, I fell, I wanted, I desired, the whole foundation was mine with my selfish need and wants. That was the core issue in all of the sadness and the pain I was harbouring. In the process, I have hurt people, surroundings, sometimes without even acknowledging it.
I know the world is not in the place to accept another lunatic. 🙂 and I consider myself one, unapologetically. Some may even consider this as the effect of quarantine. I can ensure you, it isn’t.
One positive thing in all this was to realise the fact that my delusions and the creepy walls were finally crumbling down. The lights that passed through the cracks were the one thing I really needed. My dream castle was my mental prison. I am not yet free, still caged but I see hope. If you’re in this journey, please share with me.