With a smile on my face and heart filled with joy, I asked myself what changed? The answer is nothing. Everything is same, time flies and I cannot emphasize this enough. Every time I think of writing a blog, I see the timeline and I see the time slipping away.
Since 2018, I felt like I was stuck. I was suffocating, it was not depression, it was not anxiety but it was something. Something that was strong enough to turn my life upside down. I shut myself completely, I became a different person. Took me good few years to realise the root cause of everything that began with “it’s okay, things will come around.”
Long before the lockdown started in 2020, I had myself locked up in a place where no one could reach even myself. I hid my life, my struggles, my needs, my want everything that I thought or perceived too much to let out to the world.
I even spoke of mental prison that I had created for myself not too long ago. That was the beginning of this new phase. Mid 2020, and the only thing I heard was a new beginning, manifestations, opening to the universe, surrender etc. Now, I have spoken about these time and again but I never really knew the ways of manifesting, or surrendering. For the very first time I asked myself how do I surrender?, how do I know if I ever resisted the change? or resisted to the guidance?
How would I know, right? But this is really something that I had missed in the first place, I never asked the right question. I knew these words and the sentences but even after reading different outlets and self help books I was missing one crucial step that was to acknowledge that I was unaware. Unaware of where to look at, whom to ask these questions.
A revival of an old connection which was lost somewhere due to ignorance. I guess everything happens in their own divine timing. On a different yet similar learning curve, I saw my reflection and an amazing revelation of self. Nobody likes to admit the things they seriously lack, neither do I but I feel I am ready to share this with everyone.
Two years of darkness, that began with jealousy and envious started to unfold one by one. I understood the root cause of the pain, the burden that I willingly carried throughout and I let myself be destroyed in that evil fire.
Post mid 2020, I feel relieved more like feeling free. I never missed a chance to blame myself for anything that happened in life be it any relationships, work, studies etc. I was lost for a long time, I forgot who I was and why I was here in the first place.
A connection so strong that did not demand any communication, nor any confirmation yet everything was understood. The layers started to peel off one at a time, as I would think things over million times, I would also understand that nothing is being asked for yet I am thinking things over and over leading to one simple conclusion maybe it was never an external factor that led me here but my own internal fears that held me back from everything.
To anyone out there reading this, self check-in is important. It is one of the best thing you can do to yourself. Not assuming that we are all selfless or a walking/talking robot with ranges of emotions, regardless of what you choose to do in life checking in with yourself is really important. Drive the confirmation and confidence from within not from anyone else.
Along the way, the universe is really there to support you. Let it all out if you have to, vent, share your frustration, your love, your life. It’s always there to guide you. Let the universe blow you away. I am hoping for the same.