There is no denying that I saw you in the crowd, the room full of people, vivid colors, vivid dreams, new ambitions, aiming for the shooting stars. Naive and innocence could define each one of us, yet so profound in our new found freedom and the space away from everything we once knew “bondage” and the glimmering hopes of never setting ourselves into one. Who knew what was coming when all we cared was how we felt.
Was it a lack of self-confidence or mis-judgement, even when everything was so close I felt the distance. The disturbed mind never learnt to receive love neither was capable of showing any. Then came the day of confession, would have been so much easier if I had just said the words that were meant for you and you only but the mind so corrupt, so evil that it had to feel, feed and fear the ego.
The words that were meant to bind us never reached the lips, incapable of forming into any sentences, I let it drift away one by one and along with it I drifted with the reality and you. I have no regret as I do not live in the past but every time I encounter this situation, I hoped for the different outcome but repetition was as if my next favourite thing and it never stopped.
With no shame, I recall reflecting each moments as if going through wasn’t difficult enough. I turn the page gently and scratch the surface one at a time. The thing that made this possible, the events that was never forgotten nor forgiven kept the wound fresh as ever. I do not understand how I am capable of making any memories but it forms so beautifully that even the mistakes are presented as something I was meant to be. The incapabilities and the list goes one are one to many that I still need to figure out if it was you or this sick mind that has never allowed me to see beyond.
“Self reflection” has become the word of the decade now and I still ponder if it is something I am even capable of doing. So, I took the opportunity of knocking at your door and I did, I listened, I responded probably more than I heard but I tried. Something I am good at is justifying everything I did as if it even mattered in the first place.
Now, I do not ask, I do not think, I do not expect but I see you when I close my eyes and it makes me wonder if the meditation I have been doing is wrong and may be it’s time I learn a proper one. But again, everyone encounters a different experience so how can I say what I am experiencing is either correct or not .
I wonder how this works and how this is even possible but at the same time if we are all a drop of the same ocean then shouldn’t you be experiencing the same? I do not know you neither do I understand you but whatever you are, you must be the reason why I am here and I cannot wait to take that leap of faith with you. You may not be in this verse altogether yet I see you when I close my eyes and I see nothing beyond that. The space between us is that void where nothing exists yet everything exists at the same time.